Goodbye Mr Stalker

Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive ways.

It wasn't the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them. Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.

If he wasn't doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be other people via email. It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and you don't want a dose of PTSD.

I found the video interesting since its more clever than most people think. Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into the mind of the stalker. At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking is to trigger us off into a different kind of black and white thinking. This particular article explains why many victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.

http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk/dlp/understanding-depression/all-or-nothing-or-black-and-white-thinking-and-depression/

The abuser knows this which is why they do what they do.  My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will  speak to them.  Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.

In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you is  their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although they may be pretending to be someone else.  On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex's go to when cyber stalking their partners.

Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case of mistaken identity where a victim wrongly believes they are being stalked. 

Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask fellow writer Dr George Simon who deals with manipulative people. George recently wrote a very good book Character Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:

“There is no single profile for a stalker.  However, it's not uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as "aggressive personalities" (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour.  Remember, for any of the aggressive personalities, there's only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!  So, the name of the game is simple:  You can't be allowed to win and they can't lose.  The primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and independent, but they are really still in control.  The secondary purpose is saving face.  It's asserting the message that you couldn't possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as they are. “

He further went onto say as I have in Dark Souls on the victims of these abusers:

“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not possible.”

In my humble opinion this isn't a cop-out it just an easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.

However the most important message that George has is this:

“It's also important to have a sound safety plan. Risk is highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they've lost control as well as face.”
 

Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist, erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would take this as a hidden message that you love them. 

The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go. Sam Vaknin posted a video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid  and  frightening them back is sometimes a good option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.

I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at risk.

Flora Loveday has some excellent advice and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.

I would like to point out that the rule of no contact but sometimes letting your stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you're not prepared to stand for their nonsense anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good idea.  If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your email addresses regularly. 

If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don't always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized character that no longer has any hold over me.  Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries and practice saying no more. It might help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don't actually send it.

On a more positive note there is light at the end of the tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely.  The longer you have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel intimidated.

At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay focussed and happy.

Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same types over and over again.  I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.

The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all means but stop enabling it and then move on!

Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you are free forever.

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If you would like to find more about stalking and how you can get help from law enforcement agencies please click on the links below

http://silentnomore.org/after-the-assault/legal-information/stalking-a-guide-for-victims/