Stalking is a difficult subject for most people least of all those on the
receiving end of it. I was prompted to write this article after the person I talk about in my book them decided to
stalk me again on Facebook. The stalking still continues via phone and email and other inventive
It wasn't the first time this has happened and he has dreamed up a few very
imaginative ways in which to have contact with me. I only use Facebook to chat with friends and family and my
settings are pretty much secure however I had still had the option for people to send me messages and add me as a
friend. In this particular case they set up a fake profile (not the first time I might add) and then tried to add
me as a friend, sent a message and pretended to be someone else but also gave me enough clues to know it was them.
Interestingly enough his own profile has been hidden for years since he got caught out.
If he wasn't doing this he was phoning from withheld numbers or pretending to be
other people via email. It pays to have a sense of humour when they do this kind of thing however tiresome it feels
at the time or as this Facebook Stalker video shows (especially if the guy in the video reminds you of your ex) and
you don't want a dose of PTSD.
I found the video interesting since its more
clever than most people think. Many abusers have black and white thinking and its a very clever exploration into
the mind of the stalker. At the same time no one knows victims better than an abuser and the way they use stalking
is to trigger us off into a different kind of black and white thinking. This particular article explains why many
victims may go into depression the moment the abuser presses all their buttons.
The abuser knows this which is why they do what they
do. My personal opinion for what its worth is the way in which the vindictive narcissistic stalker will
try to get a connection with you but using subtle clues and triggers and messages in the hope you will
speak to them. Even though you may not think its them they will give more than enough information away to let
you know that its them but not enough to get them prosecuted.
In their twisted way their reasons for stalking you
is their backhanded way of having a dig because you have moved on and at the same time although
they may be pretending to be someone else. On a subtle level they want you to know its them so you
may start to feel scared and intimidated. They may use a combination of tactics to get your attention. The
following article gives you an idea as to some of the lengths ex's go to whencyber stalking their
Of course from the accused point if view it may also be the case
identity where a victim
wrongly believes they are being stalked.
Having been on the receiving end of what can only be described as a very clever
stalking campaign, I was prompted to ask fellow writerDr George
Simon who deals with manipulative people. George
recently wrote a very good bookCharacter Disturbance on the reasons why predators including psychopaths might still feel the need to stalk victims
long after the relationship was over. He suggested that:
“There is no single profile for a stalker. However, it's not
uncommon for any of the folks I characterize as "aggressive personalities" (including predatory aggressives alt: psychopaths) to engage in such behaviour. Remember, for any of
the aggressive personalities, there's only 3 things that count in life: position, position, and position!
So, the name of the game is simple: You can't be allowed to win and they can't lose. The
primary purpose of the stalking is to send the message that you might imagine yourself to be free and
independent, but they are really still in control. The secondary purpose is saving face. It's
asserting the message that you couldn't possibly have rejected someone as fantastic as
they are. “
He further went onto say as I have inDark Souls on the victims of these abusers:
“For that reason, it can sometimes be helpful to send the message that the need
to come to terms with your own issues is the main reason a continued relationship with them is not
In my humble opinion this isn't a cop-out it just an
easier more palliative way of getting them off your back.
However the most important message that George has is
“It's also important to have a sound safety plan. Risk is
highest for all types of problem behaviours when they think they've lost control as well as
Since the Stalker can be either a psychopath, narcissist,
erotomaniac or any other paranoid type once you learn what type you are dealing with you can take the appropriate
action plan. I have had one other encounter with a stalker whom I have never had a relationship who turned out to
be an erotomaniac. In my opinion the best way to deal with these types is to ignore them completely. Otherwise
anything (and I mean anything) you say to them will be misconstrued as a message that you wish to have a
relationship with them that never existed in the first place. You could tell them they are a weirdos and they would
take this as a hidden message that you love them.
The narcissist is similar in some ways because they have no issues if you berate
or abuse them. But what if you are dealing with a vindictive narcissist who wont let you go.SamVaknin posted a
video on the vindictive narcissist and it is well worth watching. As a malignant narcissist himself he
suggests that narcissists tend to be paranoid and frightening them back is sometimes a good
option. However if you are going to issue vague threats to the narcissist be prepared to carry them out
otherwise they will keep coming back for more narcissistic supply.
I have talked at some length in Dark Souls about the Stalker however sometimes
the only option is to move away especially if you are suffering from severe PTSD and need a complete break from
them to heal and carry on with your life. This is also important if the stalker is dangerous and your life is at
Flora Loveday has some excellent advice
and articles on her website about law enforcement agencies and how to deal with the stalker so I would
strongly suggest you check out her website if stalking has become and issue.
I would like to point out that the rule ofno
contact but sometimes letting your
stalker know indirectly that you know they following you and you're not prepared to stand for their nonsense
anymore is enough to get them off your back for good. Changing your email and phone number is also a good
idea. If you have a computer make sure you have any keylogging software and spyware removed and change your
email addresses regularly.
If you can get law enforcement agencies to deal with it be
warned that any abusive types are likely to use very sneaky tactics and turn the tables back on you. So don't
always expect law enforcement to help you. Sometimes you are on your own and therefore a polite email or letter
without threats is often enough to get them to back off. Until of course the next time they get bored and start
playing their silly games and want to come back again. Nowadays each time my ex comes plays one of his childish
pranks I remind myself of why I am no longer with him and reduce him in my head to a cartoon sized
character that no longer has any hold over me. Its also a reminder that I need to set more boundaries
and practice saying no more.It might
help if you send them a goodbye email explaining your reasons why you cannot have a relationship with them
anymore to give yourself final closure even if you don't actually send it.
On a more positive note there is light at the end of the
tunnel and there are practical ways you can deal with them like those I have suggested in this article and the ones
I talk about in my book dark Souls and eventually the abuser will leave your life completely. The longer you
have no contact the more you set boundaries the less likely these predators are to make you feel
At all times, remember the law, keep yourself safe and in the meantime stay
focussed and happy.
Writing Dark Souls has been a real journey for me. Not
only writing the book but having to deal the ongoing drama and with my own issues about why I attracting this man
and many others like him. Many victims are not prepared to look a this which is why they often attract the same
types over and over again. I talk about this in great detail about why some people stay in victim mode
focussed on the abuser and why they did what they did.
The moment you start looking at your own reasons why these predatory types keep
on coming back to like a moth to the flame you will stop getting yourself burned. Figure out their behaviour by all
means but stop enabling it and then move on!
Suddenly A miracle starts happening and when you put all the energy you put into
figuring out why they did this and that into yourself you no longer feel enslaved by them and you
are free forever.
This website is dedicated to educating people about Narcissistic
Personality, Sociopaths, Psychopaths, Psychopathy, Narcissm, Empaths, Toxic Relationships, Relationships of
Inevitable Harm, Abusive Relationships, Cyber Predators, Internet Predators, Co-dependence, Energy Vampires, Shape
Shifters, and men who cheat